Month: December 2018
Recognizing Unhealthy Love:
Some of you reading may have been abused at the hands of family members or a trusted individual. It was not until you grew older did you realize this was wrong. I’m not only referring to sexual abuse but all forms including verbal, emotional, and physical. In order for people to abuse, they must first deceive the one they are trying to get to conform to whatever it is they want them to do. They begin manipulating in an attempt to gain control. Once control is held they begin using fear to continue controlling in order to further abuse. Some people have been unable to move due to such fear felt. They continue to hold fear even long after the abuse is over. Many hold guilt, shame, and question if it was their fault or not. This leads to self-doubt, low self-esteem, lack of confidence, trust and intimacy issues later on in life. Numerous women have shared their past with me and those who carried insecurities and shame long-term found that they carried these raw emotions into relationships along the way. This created tension due to them placing an undeserved punishment on the men they were involved with and also closely monitoring the man’s every move.
Many people have tried hiding their past from their partner, but those fears surface in the most sensitive times. So much so, that some of you question why relationships ended when you thought they were going so well. Many people who have been abused at a young age learn quickly how to hide and pretend everything is okay when in all actuality it is not. Certain things still trigger the memory of their past such as tone of voice, body language or something such as a certain smell. They may try to find instant relief such as through alcohol, drugs or promiscuous behavior. However, in the end, they find themselves feeling unworthy of being loved. Love is foreign to them due to what they were exposed too.
They find themselves in relationships that require them to meet challenges or overcome obstacles in order to be loved. This may have been an unhealthy survival skill they learned at a young age such as pleasing those around them by doing things for them. Let me remind you that not all survival skills learned are healthy.
If you are in a relationship where challenges must be met in order for you to feel loved, you will be emotionally and physically exhausted while still feeling unfulfilled and looking for your needs to be met. More than likely your needs won’t be met due to you being with someone who doesn’t truly love you. They may love how you make them feel but if they truly loved you, there would be no obstacles to overcome or challenges to be met in order for them to return back what you offered first. If someone is okay allowing you to suffer emotionally in order to be with them, that is not healthy love but rather an unhealthy love. If time in the bedroom leaves you feeling used or dirty afterward, then you are not being loved as you should be.
We all carry the knowledge of how things are and my question I leave you with is this…What good is knowledge if you do nothing with the knowledge you hold? I said that to say this, you are worthy of love and your suffering ends as soon as you call the truth of your situation.