Do you hold expectations of those around you? I believe most of us can answer yes to that question. Deep down we believe something will happen or is likely to happen.

Our expectations are without limits. With friends and family we expect to be treated with the same love we offered. In a marriage we expect our spouse to make the same efforts we make. At work, we expect our co-workers to be team players and to pull their own weight. We expect professionalism when conducting business matters. We expect fairness and justice in the court room. We expect our children to mind us and abide by our rules. We expect results when we visit a doctor when we are not feeling well. We expect people around us to be understanding when we are enduring a crisis.

We expect a return on each investment of the heart we make. (This is where complications can present themselves.)                                                                                            See, with family and friends we invest our hearts by investing time with each other and offering help where help is needed. We don’t expect sarcasm or hatefulness as our reward. We also don’t expect to be the one they gossip about behind our backs but offer love to our faces. The last thing we would expect is them walking away  from the relationship built… In our marriages we invest time, gentleness, nurturing and devotion to the one we married. We don’t expect our love or gifts offered to be rejected or to be abandoned by the one who entered into the same covenant with God as we did standing next to them. I don’t believe people go into marriage thinking it will end… Those of you in your second marriage may also be expecting the same treatment your former spouse gave you by your current spouse ; yet these are two different people. This means you may be anticipating them to do you wrong like the first one did or you may be expecting them to dote on you like the first one did.

Whenever the expectations we held for others are not upheld or seen, we begin complicating things even further by demanding rightness in a wrong situation. It may be that the volume of our voice is turned up higher but we are heard less…You may begin fighting each other in an attempt to get your return off the investment your heart made.

During the struggles it doesn’t occur to us that our expectation may differ than the expectation someone else placed on us. This means, where we feel let down by someone; they may also feel let down by us. We each hold different expectations for the other. We need to remember we are unique individuals with unique pasts, upbringings, ideas and ways of communicating. What is wrong to one is right to another. We often make the mistake of doing things for others that we would like them to do for us because it is something that makes us feel loved. Where the problem lies is what works for us may not work the same way for someone else. Others may require a different method than the one you require in order to feel love .

Anytime we place expectations on others we unknowingly are placing our devotion solely on them; in anticipation of something we seek to gain from them. It may be that we seek to gain their attention, affections, approval or a variety of things… To devote our time, energy, love and efforts into someone who doesn’t return it in the same manner leaves us hurt, angry and distraught that we weren’t worth their efforts… Our understanding becomes clouded that all we did for them was not enough to keep them pleased. We begin to self doubt, and question each past conversation or moment spent together. This can easily turn to anger as our way to self preserve. This turns into a destructive  behavior picked up due to someone rejecting the love we had to offer.

What we need to do is place our devotion solely on the Lord and let him work on the hearts of those around us but not excluding ourselves from that equation. It is so much easier to give to others expecting nothing in return,  because then no disappointment is created… None of us hold enough love to offer someone that is enough to change their heart towards us; only the Lord can work on the hearts of others.

To devote yourself solely to the Lord allows you to quit fighting with others or warring within yourself ;  out of desperation to receive what is owed to you. You owe it to yourself to quit expecting what is not there to offer. If you expect love, gentleness, respect or  approval  from someone who has never experienced what that feels like; then they may not hold what you expect them to offer you.  The Lord will sustain you where others tend to disappoint you…This is not to say we can’t still love them because we can . We can change how we respond to them and quit getting hurt over things only the Lord can change…

Blessings,

Robin Worgull

One reader left a comment that they were unclear on how to undo stress and negativity that runs so deep it is in this person’s earliest memories. The reader does not know how to get rid of it and now it is manifesting in their health. ( This is a common problem I hear routinely, so I would like to address this topic and discuss it further today.)

To those of you who can relate to this comment,  it may be because you too feel this way or did at some point in your life. In order to rid ourselves of something we have carried long term; we must call the truth of the situation… To hold negativity and stress in your earliest memories, more than likely indicates as a young child you were exposed to those around you who may have been struggling with depression, health issues, dark thoughts or even dark behavior.  As a child we don’t always understand what our young eyes see but we develop coping skills to endure a difficult situation that is brought to us by others. This is not to say that someone intentionally brought upset to us, it just means a child is exposed to the environment they are brought up in.  If the adults raising the child endured struggles, then the child may have learned the coping skills of the parents. We all have heard the term “learned behavior”.  Now, if the parents did not hold healthy coping skills, the child still picks up the coping skills used because it is all they know due to the exposure of the environment they lived in.  The child may begin trying to help the parents in the only way a child’s mind knows how; which is to be quiet or be good as to avoid further upset. They may go to the extreme and begin trying to care for the family until the parents are able to take over again. This means they may help with the siblings, housework, meals, care giving or even odd jobs to bring extra money in to help.  One big problem a child tends to find themselves in;  is the love and help they gave is not enough to make the parents situation any better. Yes it helped for a time but not long term as the child hoped for.  This can cause a child to begin internalizing what their young eyes are witnessing.  This means they may begin feeling symptoms of what they are exposed too. Once the child reaches the teen years, they are now dealing with hormones which can intensify their struggle that much further.  Not learning healthy coping skills can have them repeating learned behavior. Many children have tried to fake bravery but on the inside they felt broken. In their young thinking they may think “someone needs to be strong it might as well be me.”   Let me remind everyone that even the strongest person holds weak moments. Now, if a child carried learned behavior into the teen years; most likely if they didn’t get help they will carry it into their adult years and even possibly expose their own children to learned behavior.

When children feel broken at a young age they unknowingly seek love, acceptance or approval  from others in unhealthy fashions. They may partake in activity that their parents taught was wrong; but the need to feel whole is so strong they partake out of survival in their thinking. This will eventually catch up with them in adulthood but not in a healthy way.  By adulthood they may hold regret, guilt, emotional distress, depression, anxiety, fears and be reaching their lowest point by what all these emotions did to completely stress their mind and body. They may feel empty.  When the struggles of the mind begin manifesting in the body as health problems the person can feel hopeless…( Stress is known as the silent killer because stress releases hormones in the body to prepare us for fight or flight. Too much of a hormone called cortisol can cause serious damage. We don’t have time to get into this but stress is dangerous.)

If you are a believer, meaning if you have accepted Christ as your personal savior; then getting rid of stress and negativity will be easier for you,  than say someone who isn’t a believer; because you can claim the scriptures left for us.

2 Timothy 1:7 Reminds us we were not given the spirit of fear but given power, love and a sound mind. (What you can do if you feel fearful or depression ; claim the scripture out loud and make it known you weren’t given the spirit of fear; and we were promised a sound mind.  Then refuse to entertain thoughts of fear or upset. This requires you to hold discipline in your thoughts . In other words you must make a conscious effort.)

1 John 4:4 Reminds us that he who is in us is greater than he who is in the world  ( Who better to fight a spiritual problem than the Lord?  See, most of our struggles are a spiritual problem felt in the physical realm we live in. You can claim this truth left for us and know all you have to do is stand in faith while the Lord handles the spiritual warfare coming at you. )

Psalms 56:4 Reminds us to not fear what flesh can do to us.  (If you are being mistreated or involved  with critical people; you can claim this scripture and remember that there is nothing these people can do to you that the Lord didn’t know about beforehand and he’s already sprung into action on your behalf. Stand in faith and don’t waiver. He’s got this which means you don’t have to try to figure it out.)

2 Corinthians 10:5 Reminds us to hold our thoughts captive .  ( this scripture is our reminder to hold our thoughts suspect until we know if those thoughts are of the Lord or sent from the enemy who uses our emotional distress as his ultimate entertainment. )

Proverbs 3:5 Reminds us to lean on God not our own understanding.  ( My friends, sometimes it was our own understanding that got us in trouble in the first place…)

Ephesians 6:11-18 Reminds us to put on the whole armor of God.    (I love this set of scriptures because there is a spiritual battle going on that our eyes can’t see. The battle is between the Lord and the devil fighting for control over you and I. You can’t fight a spiritual battle in fleshly clothing. The battle is in the unseen realm but felt in the physical realm we all live in. This means we must place on the spiritual clothing in order to divert the arrows of upset aimed straight at us.)

I close this post today with some reminders… History  does not have to repeat itself. We can learn from it and be predetermined to not repeat unhealthy patterns.  The learned behavior does not have to be forgotten  but it also does not need to be continued. We can be predetermined to walk away from negative people for a time in order to strengthen. We can claim the scriptures left for each of us each time we lose focus or find ourselves repeating learned behavior. We have the right to accept or reject what is offered. If someone wants to offer you upset you can reject it by setting up healthy boundaries and not accepting blame for something that is not your fault. The Lord holds the power to break the chains of pain and upset that some of you are bound in… Allow yourself to live the abundant life we all were promised in John 10:10.  Quit feeling guilty for not being able to change things as a child; because a child is not equipped to carry or even maintain that high of an unfair expectation. Each time you find yourself visiting the past, remind yourself that the past will always prevent you from enjoying the present. This means be predetermined to not be tormented any longer by something you held no control over. In order to do this you must surrender your past and all the scary, painful, hurtful times that came with it,   over to the Lord… You don’t want to make the mistake of trying to pick it back up  because that turns into a game of tug-o-war with God. It did you no good to carry it as a child and it will bring no good to carry it as an adult… Allow yourself to finally be free from pain, hurt, confusion and the stress that negativity has brought you your entire life. You don’t have to carry what was never yours in the first place…

Blessings,

Robin Worgull

Some of you reading may hold private thoughts about yourself that keep you in a constant state of doubt. It may be that you doubt your self-worth, abilities to cope in stressful situations, in decision making, in relationships, or in most aspects of you life.  (This may be causing  depression, fears, anxiety, or added stress.)

Most of the time, negative thoughts determine how we view ourselves; which in turn shapes our view of life around us. There was something initially that shaped our negative view of ourselves…  Maybe you were around someone who routinely pointed out what they saw as flaws in you. You may have internalized their opinion as your view.  You may have been in an environment where positive was dismissed while negativity was encouraged. Whatever you were exposed too repeatedly that  held negativity may have impacted you emotionally and possibly even physically.

Negative thoughts trigger negative emotions which trigger negative actions. Negative emotions cause us to grow weary quickly. We feel tired or fatigue. We lose sleep when we find ourselves unable to quit rehashing past conversations or past treatment that only become  confirmation or reinforce  what we already felt about ourselves. We normally feel what we repeatedly hear negative about us. If we heard it once we could dismiss it but to hear it routinely has us believing  someone’s opinions as truths of who we are. This in turn causes us to  become angry at those who see us differently than how we originally saw ourselves. An aggression begins to grow in us but in time will lead to an eruption of anger directed at those we blame as the cause of it.  This means that one seed of negativity can grow into something much bigger if it takes root in us.

Proverbs 23:7 Reminds us that the way we think is how we are. (Whatever you are thinking on can become your truth which will lead to how you respond to whatever you are thinking on.)

If you think you were blamed for bad things that happened in your life, you may still blame yourself when bad things happen. See, your thoughts tend to become automatic actions… If you were made to feel guilty for something you held no part in then you may still feel guilty when things happen that you took no part in. Guilt is one of those emotions that can disable us from wanting to continue trying. Unknowingly, your negative thoughts held; begin to magnify or enlarge negative around you which in turn has you dismissing the positive around you. (This means you will see negative before noticing positive.)

A negative view of yourself is a stress on the mind and body that must be removed. See, we all are exposed to stress throughout life… We must take a hold of stress before stress takes a hold on us. The moment we gave weight to other people’s opinions of ourselves is the moment negativity took root in us. This means we stopped believing the truth of who we were due to the persuasion of how someone else saw us. (Who said their opinion was accurate? Depending on what emotion someone feels at the moment can determine an ugly opinion. Opinions are constant but rarely accurate.)

Anytime we place too much weight on what others think,  we begin trying to meet standards they place on us. It is impossible to please everyone around us or try to change a predetermined opinion of us… Most people who hold predetermined opinions of us have heard something negative about us from someone negative they spent time with. Now, anytime we hear negative it is like placing an image of how something or someone is in a compartment in our thinking. ( It is all we have to go on at the moment, yet to think on it further creates assumptions or speculations. This means our thinking creates someone or something to be much different than how it truly is.)  With that being said, it is so important to not partake in gossip because of the lasting damage gossip can cause. Not only does it damage our thinking about ourselves but it also damages how we may view others.

If you are someone who holds a negative view of yourself then please join me back here tomorrow as I discuss complications with expectations… It is my prayer that after reading today’s post and tomorrow’s post; that you begin holding a different view of yourself. I personally see people as a gift to others and believe you are a gift to those around you…

Blessings,

Robin Worgull