Day: August 25, 2017

Lesson 4 Stop trying to help those that refuse to help themselves:

Many people who struggle emotionally hold reasons for their struggles. There are many people who try to “people please”.  I myself,  for years have tried to please those around me,  yet not everyone chooses to be pleased. There are some people who choose to stay miserable and allow others to do for them what they should do for themselves.

Are you one who would do anything  to make a person’s situation easier if you could? Most of us would answer yes to that question. There is a huge mistake being made by some of us that is keeping us held back each time we help someone. We must take a good look at those we are trying to help and ask ourselves these questions…

Am I helping because they asked for help and I feel obligated? If you answer yes to this then I remind you ; you are not helping with a willing heart but rather a forced heart. This will show up in your demeanor towards them.  They are going to see your irritation by the body language you carry. My question to you is,   when are you going to see you are being manipulated by someone who cares more for their selfish needs than for the needs of others? If you feel obligated it is because this person makes you feel guilty if you don’t help… (True sign of a manipulator.)

Am I helping because they can’t help themselves?  Well now wait a minute… How do you know they can’t help themselves?  Have you witnessed their attempts or only heard the complaining from their lips that they have done everything possible but to no avail? These are the questions you need to hold answers for because there are some people who are just fine allowing others to do what they should do for themselves.  If you are willing to give they are willing to take.   Keep in mind,  there are some things in life we are not to help with because our help can hinder God’s plan in someone’s life.  If people always look to us to help them out of their crisis when are they going to look to God for help? Our help sometimes prevents people from seeking God because if we are willing to help they don’t see the need to go to God for help… Not all people who ask for help have done all they could for themselves. Why should they? They have found others to do it for them. Not only that but people have helped them for so long they have forgotten how to help themselves. (Maybe you should help them by allowing them to figure it out on their own.)

Am I helping because I have a need to be needed?  Who doesn’t love feeling  needed? That’s nice to feel at times… If you are seeking to help people because you  have a need to be needed then the truth is, they are helping you more than you are helping them.   See, some people hide behind others while claiming to be helping.  They hide behind the issues of someone else so they don’t have to look at their own issues… This turns ugly very quickly. Why? Because  as soon as the person no longer needs help, the person claiming to be helping is not done being needed and unknowingly creates upset in order to stay longer and help more. This is so destructive and unhealthy… Both parties feel obligated to try to help the other but really no one is receiving help.  It’s a vicious cycle of peddling hard but getting no where.

To those of you who help everyone with everything you need to know you are headed for a fall…I explain further…

People who offer help unknowingly seek to gain something. It may be they seek favor, approval, purpose, acceptance, involvement, attention, confidence, security, love, kindness or gentleness, etc.   Whatever it is they seek is an unmet need they hold. The mistake being made is they seek needs to be met by those they surround themselves around instead of allowing God to meet them.

When the ones they try to help reject their kindness, they see it as they are being rejected.  They turn around and come back stronger and more loving thinking a different approach will win approval they seek.  When their gifts,  labor of love and even their very presence is scoffed at ; it takes the wind right out of their sail… In other words they feel defeated because every attempt they made was not good enough to change the situation of someone they care deeply for. They begin to  question what is wrong with them and begin to self doubt because if someone would have offered the same to them it would of made a world of difference.  ( Sometimes what we offer to others we subconsciously  expect them to offer it back in return.  When they don’t, we question our value  in their eyes.)

The fall I spoke of is when the person  helping no longer holds the ability or the resources to continue helping;  and the ones they believed were receiving help don’t recognize the help given.  They saw  it as  they were helping you not you helping them… This is enough to turn the most loving person into a scornful  individual.  The hurt goes so deeply that recovery seems light years away…

If you are known to help others but are in need of help yourself;  get your life together first before trying to help someone else get theirs together… Some of us allow our pitcher to run  empty but offer out of habit.  A pitcher that is empty must be filled before we can pour a drink for someone. 

In order to break free from emotional struggles we must take an inward  look at ourselves before attempting to look at how we can meet the needs of others. Some people  have caused the situation they are in and us helping may hinder the divine plan God holds for them.  Not to mention , some of us are trying to help people who have become toxic to our health. (These people criticize you while you are trying to help them.  They are jealous of what you have. They play victim in every situation they run into and hold no interest in changing as they feel others are in need of change. Everything about their life holds some sort of drama and the  negativity bouncing off of them keeps you stressed out.) Are you making a difference for them or are they making you physically, emotionally and spiritually drained?  Think about that my friend, because God holds better living for you than that kind of lifestyle…

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Robin Worgull                  Author of The Conflict Within  and  The Right – Minded Woman